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| NFL Draft |
Carolina Panthers - Queen Elizabeth II. The Panthers were the youngest team in the league on opening weekend in 2010. They could use some experience. Queen Elizabeth has been on the throne for nearly 60 years. Problem solved.
Denver Broncos - Victoria. With her heralded experience in expanding and developing the British Empire during her reign as Queen of the United Kingdom, Victoria is welcomed in Denver with open arms by John Elway and John Fox as they try to return the Broncos franchise to power again.
Buffalo Bills - Aethelred the Unready. Chan Gailey, meet Aethelred. You two are about equally ready.
Cincinnati Bengals - Edward II. During the 20 years of Edward's reign as King of England, the English were summarily stomped on the battlefield, there was a lot of squabbling, Ed was generally deemed incompetent, he was deposed by his own wife, and he was later murdered. He sounds like the complete train wreck that the Bengals organization has mastered acquiring over the years. He'll be rooming with Pacman Jones.
Arizona Cardinals - Edward IV. This Edward was king, was overthrown, and then retook his throne. The Cardinals like his ability to overcome adversity.
Cleveland Browns - William of Orange. You can probably guess why.
San Francisco 49ers - Henry VIII. Since the Bill Walsh / George Seifert era, San Francisco has gone through about as many head coaches as Henry VIII went through wives. I'm a huge fan of Jim Harbaugh. I hope he doesn't get beheaded in the Bay Area.
Tennessee Titans - John (Lackland). If anyone knows what it's like to follow up a legend, it's John. He had to follow in the footsteps of Richard the Lionheart. Maybe he'll have some advice for Mike Munchak.
Dallas Cowboys - George IV. He led an extravagant lifestyle and will fit right in with the Cowboys. Only lack of technology in the early 19th century prevented George from having a 60-yard-long high-definition TV hanging from his ceiling.
Washington Indigenous Americans - Mary I. She was also known as Bloody Mary, for having almost 300 dissenters burned at the stake. Daniel Snyder is currently on that pace with head coaches, newspapers, and anyone else who angers him by using the team's actual name without his blessing. You'll notice that I don't have his blessing.
Houston Texans - George III. You win some (defeated Napoleon), you lose some (the American Revolution). A .500 record is an improvement in Houston. Welcome aboard, George!
Minnesota Vikings - Sven Forkbeard. This is a no-brainer. In addition to his year as King of England, he was King of Denmark and King of Norway, making him a……VIKING!
Detroit Lions - Richard I. Oh come on. You had to see that one coming. Richard the Lionheart? Detroit Lions? Perfect fit. I'm much better at this drafting stuff than Matt Millen was.
St. Louis Rams - Philip II. Known primarily as the King of Spain, he was also King of England for a little over four years. He brought Spain to the height of its power in the late 1500's. As a team on its way up in the league, the Rams expect Philip to do the same for them.
Miami Dolphins - Edward V. He looked promising, given his pedigree, but he disappeared after 78 days, never to be heard from again. Another wasted draft pick.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Edward I. Edward was also known as Edward Longshanks because of his height, and The Hammer of the Scots because of his ability to instill fear in his enemies. The Jags need a defensive lineman. Edward sounds like the perfect fit.
New England Patriots - Charles II, also known as the Merry Monarch. Because Bill Belichick always looks so grumpy.
San Diego Chargers - James II. Ol' Jimmy made everyone mad while he was in charge; he was arrogant, stubborn and refused to compromise; and he lived out much of his life as a pretender. Does anyone else see the parallel between James and A.J. Smith?
New York Giants - Edward the Elder. He became the King of England in 899, which, coincidentally, was the same year that Tom Coughlin graduated from high school.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Henry the Young King. Raheem Morris is currently the youngest head coach in the NFL. He and Henry will be spending a lot of time playing Xbox together, sneaking dad's Playboys, and doorbell-ditching the neighbors.
Kansas City Chiefs - Oliver Cromwell. Considered a hero by some, he was hated by the Irish and Catholics. I had a really good Charlie Weis joke going here, but then Weis left the Chiefs for the University of Florida. Dang it. Oh well. the Chiefs still draft Cromwell, just so they can remember dear ol' Charlie.
Indianapolis Colts - Edward III. A popular king who waged successful campaigns during the Hundred Years' War, Edward is a welcome addition to the Colts' tradition of likable and successful players and coaches.
Philadelphia Eagles - James I. Andy Reid, the longest tenured coach in the NFL will appreciate James I. James was also known as the Peacemaker King, with which Reid can identify, having had to deal withTerrell Owens(notes)and Donovan McNabb(notes). Like Reid, James also had staying power: he was King of Scotland for all but the first 13 months of his 58 years of life, and he was King of England and King of Ireland for 22 years.
New Orleans Saints - Louis VIII of France. Sure, he's French, but he ruled about half of England for a year or so. He'll fit in nicely in New Orleans—steeped in French influence—with his fleur-de-lis coat of arms. Besides, the whole state is named after him.
Seattle Seahawks - Henry VII. Henry defeated Richard III on the battlefield to assume the crown, and his lengthy tenure restored stability and prosperity to England. The Seahawks could use some of that.
Baltimore Ravens - George Calvert. There's always a shocker in the NFL Draft, and the Ravens raise eyebrows by drafting outside the monarchy. Nevertheless, they see so much promise in him that they model their state flag from his heraldic banner.
Atlanta Falcons - George II. George is drafted to play in the state named after him.
New England Patriots - William I, also known as William the Bastard and William the Conquerer. As a Colts fan, I think both titles are appropriate for William the Belichick.
Chicago Bears - Henry V. Henry had an unassuming start, and then racked up successes on the battlefield. Lovie Smith can relate.
New York Jets - Harold Harefoot. Because, you know, head coach Rex Ryan has a thing for feet.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Henry I. Henry ruled as King of England for over 35 years, and his reign is associated with a time of prosperity. That's exactly what the Steelers organization likes.
Green Bay Packers - Alfred the Great. The reigning Super Bowl champions fittingly draft the only English monarch to still be referred to as "the Great." Alfred is also remembered for beating the Vikings.
No first-round pick: Oakland Raiders - Lady Jane Grey, also known as the Nine Days Queen. Nine days is about twice as long as most of the Raiders' draft picks of late have made any sort of contribution to the team. It's also the average tenure of a Raiders head coach. Lady Jane was executed for high treason. Al Davis isn't exactly real popular around the NFL, either. Jane will fit right in for about a week and a half.
